#119: All about coaching
What's coaching, what's the difference between coaching and therapy, is a coach going to tell me what to do, what happens in a coaching session, how many coaching sessions should I have, how often should I have them, how do I choose a coach ... I get asked these questions (and more) a lot by new coaching clients. So, here I am, putting all my answers in one place. Hit play, and find out everything you never realised you needed to know about what goes on behind closed (online) doors at Academic Imperfectionist Towers!
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Episode transcript:
Have you been wondering what coaching is?
You’re listening to The Academic Imperfectionist. I’m Dr Rebecca Roache. I’m a coach and a philosopher at the University of London, and in this podcast I draw on philosophical analysis and coaching insights to help you dump perfectionism and flourish on your own terms.
Hello again, everyone. I hope you’re having a good week. Do you remember how I said, at the end of the previous episode, that I’d be back soon with a ‘normal’ episode? Rather than an episode that really ought to be a page on my website? Well, I’m going back on my word a bit with this one. I wasn’t sure how the last episode would go down, but I was pleasantly surprised to receive a few emails afterwards from people telling me that they enjoyed it. I’m delighted, as I always am, to hear that people have taken away something valuable from this podcast. So, suitably emboldened, I’m continuing in a similar ‘things you should know about The Academic Imperfectionist’ vein with this one. I want to talk about what coaching is - at least, what the sort of coaching I do is. Now, as you probably know, I offer a free coaching session to anyone who wants one, and one of the reasons for doing that is to allow people to see first-hand what it’s like to be coached by me. This podcast should also give you some clues about my approach. Even so, new clients often wanted to know a bit about coaching before launching into that first session. So, I started sharing an online article (not written by me) about what coaching is and how it differs from therapy before the session, with the vague intention of writing something about this myself at some point - something a bit less general and a bit more tailored to the sort of coaching I do. It turns out that I’m more motivated to make a podcast episode about it than to put something on the website.
Talking of the website: it really needs an update. It was pretty good when I first started coaching and podcasting, when the main purpose was just to provide somewhere to find me online. But I’d like to do a bit more with it, which realistically is going to require paying someone else to do something with it. For that reason, I’m going to start putting ads in this podcast, so that I can boost the budget a little bit. The budget is already helped by some very kind supporters who donate via Patreon - if you’re one of them, thank you very much for your generosity - and if you’re not one of those kind souls but would like to be, please head on over to patreon.com/academicimperfectionist.
Back to the coaching low-down. I’m going to talk to you in this episode about what my brand of coaching involves, what happens during a coaching session, how often to have coaching sessions and how many to have (because that’s a question I get asked a lot by new clients), and how to choose a coach. I’m going to focus on one-to-one coaching sessions, which isn’t the only type of coaching there is, but it’s the type I almost always do. And bear in mind that I’m not necessarily representative of all coaches - actually, there’s no ‘necessarily’ about it, because I very much have my own approach. So, I’ll describe how I approach things, but I’ll also provide a bit of context about coaching in general.
Ok. So, all my coaching happens online, via video call, which is a matter of necessity because very few of my clients live close to me, and most of the time we’re not even in the same time zone. So, until The Academic Imperfectionist acquires its first private jet or teleportation device, Google Meet is where it all happens. None of this is set in stone, though. Lately, I’ve been looking into the possibility of email coaching, in response to someone asking me if this is something I offer. And, it’s not like I am violently opposed to coaching in person, either.
One of the most common questions I get is how coaching compares to therapy. If you search for the answer to this online, you’ll find lots of answers, and typically they mention two main differences. The first is that therapists deal with people suffering from mental illness, whereas coaches deal with mentally healthy people who want to live better lives. The second is that therapy involves focusing on the client’s past, whereas coaching looks towards the future and focuses on goals. Let’s look at each of these in turn. There’s some truth to both of these observations, but they’re both also giant oversimplifications. For a start, what’s a ‘mentally healthy person’? Do such freaks even exist? Less flippantly (not that I was being entirely flippant there), this division of the population into mentally ill and not mentally ill misses an awful lot of nuance. Back in the day, this weird binary was a focus of my scholarly research. But even ignoring that, it’s not true that people who seek out therapists do so because of some mental illness. Plenty do, of course, and there are therapists who specialise in, say, working with people who have personality disorders, or depression, or addictions, or other recognised diagnoses. But the word ‘therapist’ encompasses an awful lot here, and not all therapists deal with pathology. Psychoanalysts, for example, help people understand themselves better and work through issues from their past, but none of that necessarily involves pathology, although it might. Couples counsellors help people improve their relationships, which, again, needn’t involve mental illness. You get the idea. What is true, though, is that if you’re seeking help with mental illness, then the right sort of therapist might have the qualifications and training to help you, but a coach will definitely not. And, conversely, if you don’t have any mental health diagnosis but want to make some changes so that life is a bit more satisfying, you’ll likely find that certain sorts of therapist are going to tell you that they can’t help you, while some coaches (and also other sorts of therapist) can.
Things are similarly fuzzy when it comes to the idea that therapists are interested in your past whereas coaches are interested in your future. There’s a grain of truth in there: coaching is goal-directed, it’s about making changes in your life. If all you want to do is talk about and try to understand your past, and you don’t want to think about the future at all, then the right person to help you is more likely to be a therapist than a coach. But, again, not all therapists. Some therapists focus on things like helping people overcome addiction, or finding ways to stop their obsessive compulsive disorder dominating their life, or work out how to stop freaking out when they see a spider. These are future-oriented challenges: they’re about helping people make changes so that life can be more satisfying. On the flip side, even though coaching focuses on goals, it can’t ignore the past. Some clients come to me with clear ideas of what their goals are, and they want some hand-holding and strategising and accountability in order to achieve them. These are the people who want to finish writing their thesis, or get a job, or get out of a relationship. In cases like these, the emphasis is on working out how to get them from where they are now to where they want to be … although, even these very clear cases of ‘How do I get from here to there?’ involve some reflection on the past. A client who wants to finish their thesis by a certain date, for example - an admirably clear SMART goal - will, at some point, come up against obstacles like self-doubt, lack of motivation, and difficulty engaging with criticism, and coaching them through these things involves diving in to their past to understand where their difficulty comes from and work out how best to overcome it. But, in any case, most of my clients are not coming to me armed with well thought-out SMART goals. (A reminder: SMART is an acronym standing for specific, measurable, achievable, relevant, and time-bound.) I have clients who arrive at their first coaching session with no idea about what their goals are. They’re dissatisfied with life, in some way, and they want something to change, but although they have an ever-growing list of what they don’t want, they don’t yet know what it is that they do want. I don’t tell those people to go away and come back when they’ve worked out what their goals are. Coaching can help them with that. We talk about their values, their history, what’s led them to where they are in life, why now is the moment they’ve decided that they need to make some changes. All of this involves understanding their past, although usually it’s instrumental, it’s for the purpose of gaining some clarity about what they want their life to look like and then working out how to get there. In between those clients who roll up to their coaching session with a list of sensible goals, and those who have no idea, is another group of goal-havers. They’re people who do have goals, but they turn out to be bad goals - goals that don’t truly reflect their values. So, someone might be set on getting accepted into a particular graduate program. Or paying off their mortgage by the time they turn 40. Or gaining some particular form of professional recognition. And as I ask them about their goal and why it matters to them, it sometimes turns out that their motivation is questionable in ways that hadn’t previously occurred to them. Maybe they want to get into that graduate program in order to please someone else, rather than because it’s aligned with how they really want to be living. Maybe they want to pay off their mortgage because they’ve convinced themself that this is the best way to be an acceptable human. Through coaching, people often come to realise that their chosen goals aren’t actually the direct line to a life upgrade they’d assumed, which leads them to re-evaluate their goals and sometimes choose different ones. Along the way, of course, we need to talk about the past. You know that well-known remark by the Spanish philosopher, George Santayana, ‘Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it’? This is relevant here, I think. If you’re dissatisfied with your life and you want to make positive, lasting changes, you need to learn from what’s happened so far. Planning for the future requires understanding the past.
Ok, I want to move on in a moment to talking about some of the practical aspects of being coached - what happens in a session, how often to see a coach, and so on - but before I do, let me just pause to recognise that, just as there are lots of different sorts of therapist, there are lots of different sorts of coach, too. And, depending on what sort of coach you have, they may or may not tell you what you ought to be doing with your life. If you have a running coach - I have one, hi Carrie - you want them to tell you what to do, at least some of the time. You tell them that you’ve signed up to do a marathon 3 months from now, and you want them to tell you how many days a week you should be running, what sorts of running you ought to be doing, when you need to start your taper, and so on. If you ask them what heart rate zone you should be in while you’re doing your interval sessions, you don’t want them to reflect the question back at you by asking you which heart rate zone you feel best serves you at this point in your life. Or, if you hire a nutrition coach, maybe you want some science-informed information about how to cut your calories without sacrificing protein. You don’t want them to guide you through a visualisation exercise that enables you to eat an entire tub of ice cream in a way that meets all your nutritional needs without absorbing the sugar … well, I guess you probably would want that, if it worked. But my point is, there’s some sorts of coach you go to because they have the answers. With other varieties of coaching, things are different. The sort of coaching I do mainly involves helping people improve their personal and professional lives, and I am generally not offering the answers. I don’t tell people what to do, and I don’t even advise courses of action. I’m starting from the assumption that the person who is most qualified to decide what sort of life is best for my client is my client. My role is to help clear away some of the mental clutter that’s standing in the way of realising what sort of life is going to be most satisfying, and then getting there. That involves listening, spotting patterns of thinking, hidden assumptions, double standards, over-reactions, over-zealous moral judgment (like when clients won’t stop should-ing themselves: I should get up earlier, I should eat more vegetables, I should journal every morning, I should call my parents more often, etc), noticing switches in emotional tone (for example, sometimes a client will, without realising, light up when talking about a particular aspect of their life, and look glum while talking about others), and reflecting all this back at the client and asking questions designed to help them reflect on their attitudes - questions like, Why do you care so much about that? Why do you view that negatively? What are you gaining from behaving like that? What choices would you make if you weren’t constantly should-ing yourself? I’m not saying things like, ‘You ought be doing this instead of that’. I’m helping the client see things more clearly so that they can see a way forward. At the end of a session, I’ll usually ask something like, ‘What’s the most important insight you’re taking from this conversation?’ or ‘What’s one positive change you’re going to make today?’ They come up with the answers, not me.
Having said that, I’m not just a coach. I’m also an academic, a philosopher, a single parent, a runner, and various other things, and sometimes clients choose me as a coach because of these things. It’s sometimes relevant for me to put on one of these ‘hats’ during a coaching session, and I’ll usually say that I’m doing that, if it’s not obvious. So, I might say something like, ‘What you’re describing is a problem with academic culture - it’s not a you problem’. Even so, I don’t view this as me bringing in some expertise to the coaching session. It’s more about understanding the context. Sometimes clients think they’re the only one struggling with a certain set of issues. If I happen to know that that’s not the case, I’ll mention that, because that’s relevant to helping the client see their own way forward.
So, what happens in a coaching session? What’s it like? Well, in general, you speak, and I listen. I’m there to absorb what you tell me and guide you in your thinking. It’s an unusual sort of dynamic that doesn’t really occur elsewhere, except in certain sorts of therapy sessions. Most of the time, when we’re interacting with another person, we try to ensure it’s two-way: if you’ve been speaking for a while, then maybe it’s time to pause and ask the other person how they’re doing. Coaching isn’t like that, and if you’re not used to it, it can take some getting used to. I am not exaggerating when I say that every single time I have an initial session with a new client, at some point they will pause and apologise for speaking so much, and I reassure them that everyone does the same thing, and that that’s what the session is for. That alone is valuable: the freedom to speak freely in a safe, confidential, and judgment-free context, to another person who is focused entirely on understanding what you say, and through that, understanding you. It’s not something that any of us gets to do very often. Much of the time, it leads to insights even without the coach saying anything. That sort of active listening is a huge part of what coaching is - perhaps even most of it. Other than that, though, if I’m dealing with a new client, I’ll usually start by asking if they’ve ever had coaching before, and answering any questions they might have, and then I’ll ask them to tell me about their life in as much or little detail as feels right. A large part of that first session is getting to know each other. With an established client we’ll start with an update on how they’ve been getting on since the last session, we might review any goals they’ve been working towards, and I’ll ask what they’d like to focus on in the current session. Sometimes they’ll have a clear answer. Sometimes they’ll just want to talk about things and see what emerges. Either is completely fine, and sometimes sessions that start out quite directionless end up gaining their own momentum and direction, and end up being helpful in surprising ways.
Another set of questions new clients often have relates to how often to have coaching sessions, and how many to have. The answer is a big fat: it depends. Let’s think, first, about the frequency. Part of this depends on what the client wants to achieve. If they want accountability as they work towards a deadline, then relatively frequent meetings up until the deadline might make sense - although exactly how often depends on the person and what they’re working towards. I’ve had clients who want to meet every week. Then there are clients who have less well-defined goals - maybe someone wants to be living a different sort of life, but isn’t yet sure exactly what that’s going to look like. In a case like this, a lot of the really important stuff happens between the sessions, as the client reflects on what’s happened in the session and re-evaluates things. It can be unhelpful to meet too frequently in these cases - having 3 weeks or more between sessions can work better, but again it really depends on the individual. And then another variety of client wants to use their coaching sessions as a way to check in and take stock at longer intervals, maybe every 3 to 6 months. Different strokes for different folks. But also, in some cases it can be hard to predict when is the right time for a session, and since I want people to find our sessions valuable, I am always completely open to rescheduling sessions. The way that usually works is we get something in the diary, and if the client wants to move it earlier or later, that’s no problem.
How many sessions should you book? Again, it depends. If you book a session with me, you get an intro email with some information in it, including pricing based on packages of 6 or 12 sessions - but I included that only after it turned out that people really really wanted some guidance on how many sessions to book. Probably most clients want to do things in sets of 6 sessions, but in reality you can buy as many or as few as you like. I have a couple of clients who only ever buy one session at a time - they just get in touch when they feel they need one. One benefit of buying a series of sessions instead of just one is that it can make it easier to think long-term - to think about where you want to be at the end of six or 12 or however many sessions, and then you can think about how to use the series of sessions to offer to support along the way.
Let’s not ignore, though, a much more mundane factor influencing how many coaching sessions to book: the financial cost involved. Lots of people would love to have regular coaching sessions, but they can’t afford it. Quite a few of those people are pleasantly surprised to find that their employer has a budget for things like professional development, and that they can fund their coaching sessions in this way - so it’s always worth an ask. And with some people, it’s a bit of a grey area. They might be able to afford coaching, but they feel guilty about it. It might feel frivolous. They might be reluctant to invest in themselves, or to prioritise their own projects above other people’s needs. They might feel like they ought to be able to do a better job at running their own life without paid help from someone else. Now, you’re never going to get a hard sell from me. But if you suspect your thoughts might have an air of ‘I’m not worth it’ about them, maybe talk things over with a friend before making a decision.
And finally. How do you choose a coach? Because, if I’ve inspired you to try out some coaching, I also want to inspire you to ensure you choose the right person to coach you. In some ways, choosing a coach is like dating: it’s about finding someone whose personality, values, outlook, and so on complements your own. In some cases, you can try before you buy. Some coaches, including me, offer a free session. Some offer a shorter meeting - not a coaching session, exactly, but a chat to help you work out whether they’re the right person for you. Those meetings are sometimes called things like ‘chemistry call’ or ‘exploratory meeting’. In some cases, even if you can’t speak to a coach before you commit, you might be able to find articles they’ve written or talks they’ve done, which can help you make a decision. Be picky. You deserve it.
Let’s say you do go for a first session with a coach you’re thinking of working with. And let’s say you get on with them. What else should you think about in deciding whether or not to continue working with them? Well, here’s my two pence: I think you can set the bar reasonably high here. This is your money we’re talking about. Don’t be content with promises or hopes. It’s possible to make important progress even in the space of a single coaching session: to come away from the session with useful insights about yourself and your situation, to feel seen, listened to, and understood, and to feel energised and optimistic about the future. If you end the session wanting more of what you just got from that session, that’s a positive sign. But if you end the session thinking, ‘Well, they seemed nice, and they had some good motivational slogans, so maybe they can help me after a few sessions when we get to know each other’ - you’d be selling yourself short if you don’t demand more than that. I mean, maybe if you took the time to get to know your bus driver or that person who just spam called you about life insurance, they could help you get your life in order. Your coach needs to deliver more than that. It’s great if you’re willing to invest in yourself - but know your worth, too.
Ok, friends, we’ll be back to the usual themes with the next episode - and I really mean it this time. Yesterday I recorded an interview with someone who you’re absolutely going to want to hear from: Professor Wendelien van Eerde at the University of Amsterdam, a psychologist whose research focuses on procrastination and motivation. I loved hearing what she had to say, and I’m looking forward to sharing our conversation with you. Until then, take care everyone!
I’m Dr Rebecca Roache, and you’ve been listening to The Academic Imperfectionist. If you enjoyed the episode, please subscribe on whatever podcast app you use. I want to help as many people as I can with these episodes, and I’d really appreciate it if you’d share the podcast with any friends who you think might find it useful, and if you’d leave a review on your podcast app. If you’d like to support the podcast financially, you can do that at patreon.com/academicimperfectionist. For more information about me, the podcast, and my coaching, please visit the website - academicimperfectionist.com. You can find me on Medium too, as AcademicImperfectionist. If you have an idea or a request for a future episode of The Academic Imperfectionist, please drop me a line, either via the contact form on my website or via Medium. Thanks for listening, and see you next time!
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